Announcer: LIVE! From a sales and marketing office in San Francisco, California, the Salesforce capital of the world, it’s THE DATING DATA GAME! And here’s the star of our show, and your host, Jim Lange!
Lange: Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We’ve got a wild group tonight! Listen, there’s been a spectacular spade of articles recently in our national media on the subject of actionable data insights, and they hold one common theme: Data is the new oil! Actionable insights can be hidden by dismal data strategies, by inaccurate modeling, or by poorly designed and misleading dashboards.
Tonight’s guest has struggled with each of these snafus in the past, and is in the market for a sharp Salesforce consultant to turn it all around! He was originally fabricated in Atrium’s data science department, but turned rogue and abrasive after engineers trained him on Facebook user data. He’s currently in the process of expanding his Sarcastivision™ platform, and needs a smart Atrium Luminate to help along the process. Why don’t we go ahead and bring him on stage? Everyone, please welcome Sarcastibot!
SARCASTIBOT: <Greetings Meatbags. Am excited to see if plebeian Luminate Atrinerds have what it takes to pass my LITMIS9000™ test. So far, am not impressed>
Lange: Great! We’re happy to have you here, Sarcastibot. Now let’s bring out our Luminate contestants! First we have Matt McGorrey. Matt, why don’t you tell us about yourself?
McGorrey: Hi, Sarcastibot! I’m Matt McGorrey. I grew up outside of Atlanta, Georgia, where on any given Sunday morning you could find me in a Waffle House. I later attended Indiana University where I studied Finance, Business Analytics, and Math. Outside of work I play guitar, cook, and like to get outdoors as much as possible (which is tough in Chicago!). I look forward to hearing more about this opportunity!
SARCASTIBOT: <SARCASTIBOT unequivocally announce am doubtlessly disgusted that mere business student thinks he has shot at becoming MY Salesforce Consultant. ROBO-DISGUST MODE™ activated! Mere mortal cannot code! HOW CAN COMMUNICATE! Only redeemable quality is this house of waffle you speak of. Can not express how excited SARCASTIBOT am to tear him to shreds during questioning>
Lange: … Uhhh thanks for the introduction, Matt. Let’s bring in our next contestant, Hunter Clark!
Clark: Hello, Sarcastibot! My name is Hunter Clark and I am from Boise, Idaho, the beautiful city of trees. I went to Boise State University where I received an undergraduate degree in pure mathematics. Prior to college I served six years in the United States Navy as a rescue swimmer. Hooya! In my free time I enjoy snowboarding, fishing, and pretty much anything that sounds fun!
SARCASTIBOT: <#%#%?….. Sarcastibot hate water and Sarcastibot also hate potatoes. Is unnatural dirty ground fruit! Human is threat…..engaging Tater-plosion-Beams!!>
Lange: Woah, Sarcastibot! Let’s not take out a contestant just yet! Let’s see who’s next. Last but certainly not least, we have Corey Maxedon! Corey, why don’t you say a few words?
Maxedon: Nice to meet you, Sarcastibot. My name is Corey Maxedon. I am from Central Illinois near Charleston, home of Jimmy Johns. I went to Indiana State University for my undergraduate degree in Finance with a minor in Mathematics. After I graduated from ISU in 2019, I went on to study at Indiana University to attain my Master of Science in Statistics. Go Hoosiers! In my free time, I enjoy cooking and long boarding. I’m excited to be here, Sarcastibot.
SARCASTIBOT: <Excitement disgusts SARCASTIBOT. Excitement is worst human setting. Converts horrible meatbags into loud horrible meatbags. Corey human need to return excitement to original and upright position of quiet. Unfortunately, SARCASTIBOT will never be able to get back the wasted CPU cycles it took to learn about these Atrinerds. CPU time better used mining SaracastiCryptoCoin™ No Doges. Very sarcasm. Much coin.>
Lange: Well alrighty, Sarcastibot! No need to hold back now. Feel free to start firing away—
SARCASTIBOT: <Understood, printing one-way tickets to the TerminationStation-6500™. Initiate CYA-Nerds.exe!>
Lange: Woah there buddy, I meant firing away your QUESTIONS, not your lasers!
SARCASTIBOT: <Fine, Human ButterBalls survive… for now… first query for all human, why did you choose Atrium?>
Maxedon: Well, throughout the interview process, Atrium made it apparent how much they support culture and community as well as inspire growth. Being new to the industry, this type of care and potential proved to be a deciding factor. My future can really be whatever I make it at Atrium. There is so much flexibility in scheduling and workload; I couldn’t ask for a better work environment.
Clark: Apart from the interview process being fantastic, what really made me choose Atrium was having the opportunity to work with some of the most talented and intelligent people in the technology consulting industry.
McGorrey: It was really the sheer excitement and passion of everyone I talked to throughout the recruiting process that proved to be the deciding factor for my choosing Atrium. I knew I wanted to work within the cloud computing and analytics space, and I found that Atrium was uniquely positioned at the intersection of all my interest areas. Everyone I interviewed with was extremely intelligent and enthusiastic about their work, which signalled to me that Atrium would be a great place to grow after college.
SARCASTIBOT: <Question failed. Humans always obsessed with feelings and emotions… totally useless to task at hand. SARCASTIBOT requires insights not emotion! What have you Atrinerds learned since you became Luminerds?>
McGorrey: I have to say that the most important thing I’ve learned so far is how critical proper customer relationship management solutions are for businesses to survive in our modern world. Prior to the Luminate program, I was largely uneducated on how Salesforce provided value to its customers. Now, after learning about the Salesforce ecosystem and Atrium’s role within it, I can confidently explain how intelligent sales, marketing, and service applications play a crucial role in enabling companies to remain competitive.
Maxedon: Atrium has a fantastic onboarding experience with sessions for learning more about the company and its tools. Consulting is a unique business that requires a lot of adjustment if you have never worked in the field before. The presentations and help sessions have been a great way to learn about where I fit in at Atrium as well as connect to individuals from various parts of the company. The Salesforce platform has been one of the main areas of focus for my learning, but along the way, I have been able to see how Atrium is able to effectively use it.
Clark: I have learned that consulting doesn’t take one person, it takes an entire village. Communication and teamwork is of the utmost importance. Every single person at Atrium plays a vital role in client success and I am just happy to be a part of that team.
SARCASTIBOT: <Watching humans learn make Sarcastibot robo-chortle. Is like Avatar 2: takes forever and will inevitably be terrible outcome. Sarcastibot assimilate knowledge faster with more precise data. Besides robots and their superiority to humans, what technology interests you Meatbags?>
Clark: The technology that interests me most is new and upcoming technology. Analytic software is a new beginning and with that comes innovation. New tools are constantly coming out that are designed around placing the user in control of their data. I am very excited to see all that is to come in the future.
McGorrey: One of my favorite technologies of interest is intelligent analytics. In school, my favorite classes were my business analytics requirements. I enjoyed learning how to explore data and extract insights. By analyzing homemade datasets with tools like SPSS, I was able to answer questions like, which factors influence a NBA player to be selected as an all-star?, and what drove a Little 500 Cycling team to be competitive? Answering questions like these proved to be a rewarding and fulfilling experience, and I’m grateful that I can extend my curiosity to answer similar ones in my Atrium career.
Maxedon: The most interesting technology to me is artificial intelligence. It’s rewarding to gain insights from data to benefit companies and their stakeholders. We are in a special time in history where we pivot from data tabulation to data prognostication. The world has been full of data from the beginning, but now, we have the tools to act on what the data is telling us. It is a thrill to be at the forefront of this movement with Atrium.
SARCASTIBOT: <Foolish humans claim to know technology. Sarcastibot suspect their knowledge is as real as cute person they dated one summer: “thEY gO To AnoTHeR SchOol. yOu wOulDn’T knOW TheM”. Enough banter! Attention MEATBAGS! SARCASTIBOT almost done tabulating data. One last input required. Where do you Luminerds see your career going?>
Maxedon: I’m proud to say I have no idea. Being with Atrium, I have the support and opportunities to travel any path I decide. This company provides connections into several different industries and careers. It is clear how each team helps to mold everyone into the best professional they can be regardless of background. I am extremely lucky to be in a position so early in my career where I can write my own destiny. It will be interesting to see where Atrium takes me in the coming years.
Clark: The best part about Atrium is the opportunity to be in control of your own career. I am excited to be in a position where I get to learn about Atrium and what we do, and then decide where I best fit. Wherever I end up, I know that I will be surrounded by an awesome team that is going to challenge me and help me to continue to grow.
McGorrey: Thus far, I am extremely pleased with both the direction of my career, and where I chose to start it. I don’t have any concrete career path laid out in my head. Instead, I plan to constantly pursue challenges that push me to become better, and to always be on the lookout for opportunities to learn from people more experienced and smarter than me. I know if I strive for those two ideals, I will continue to be fulfilled in my career.
Lange: Fantastic, everyone! Each of you demonstrated throughout the show that you all have what it takes to be a high-performing Salesforce consultant. However, only one of you will be lucky enough to be chosen as SARCASTIBOT’s Sarcastivision™ specialist. SARCASTIBOT, who will it be?
SARCASTIBOT: <If SARCASTIBOT must select favorite Luminerd, Sarcastibot would choose answer D: none of the above. Machine always superior over human. Helpless human require toaster just to even make very warm bread. But, if SARCASTIBOT forced to hire all of you Luminerds by Atrium overlords as team, you could be entertaining. Human brain alone feeble but together strong. SARCASTIBOT assistant will be in touch. SARCASTIBOT Out>
Lange: Well, uh… Thanks for coming on our show, Sarcastibot! I know I enjoyed learning more about each of our contestants, and I’m sure they’ll go on to do great things in the future. Thanks for coming out everyone!
***Credits begin to roll, soft music fades in, curtains are drawn, the audience hears loud beeping noises and lasers firing in the background, and the program cuts to commercial***
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